A Lesson in Female Anatomy…
Monday, August 11th, 2008 | Uncategorized
Now, Bob, if that title doesn’t cause you to look away…you’re on your own. Go get the bag of frozen peas and read on….
Okay…how do I say this? I have always had an understanding with my female “area.” She does her thing, and I do mine, and we don’t really bother each other. Until now. She’s bothering me. I have never had any problems with this before. No bladder infections, no intestinal problems, not even a yeast infection (sorry fellas!) So I’m not exactly sure how much to panic when something is weird “down there.” I can’t really tell what’s what, kind of like the delivery. I did not require an episiotomy (if you don’t know what that is, DO NOT investigate), but I did tear, and therefore required stitches. I’m not exactly sure where they are. All the doctor told me was that they were “inside.” He didn’t tell me how many I got, but I saw him pull that hook-looking needle out several times….what seemed like a lot. But, hey, no hemorrhoids! Awesome.
No one really ever told me the specifics of delivery. It’s really private and not the kind of thing you ask detailed questions about…unless you have your own blog dedicated to the topic. It is a hazy blur of 2 hours, which seemed like about 10 minutes at the time. I had this vision of Chris, one nurse, my doctor and me in the room, listening to classical music on the iPod while I grunted and pushed a bit with a very classy demeanor. This is how it really went: I pushed for about an hour and half with Chris and the nurse, my mother and mother in law both tried to barge in while I was in the stirrups, the doctor came into check me and started to put scrubs on, about 10 other nurses came into the room, and mass chaos and my screaming ensued. It was out of body, that’s the only way I can describe it. I was not in control of the screams, and it was only at the very end for the last push. Needless to say, a little different than I thought. And the doctor doesn’t just sit there and “catch.” He puts some effort into it, too. He does a lot of pushing on me, yanking, promising that this would be the last push (about 15 times), and then on the actual last push, he did something to my lower back to help the baby escape that hurt like hell. Mental note…when you are offered a 2nd epidural top off, TAKE IT!!! But, I gotta hand it to him, the baby was really clean when I got him.
I kept my eyes closed the whole time towards the end. I didn’t see anything. They had to tell me to open my eyes when the doctor held the baby up for us to see. And it is so disappointing to be told “this could be it,” and then push and push and push and then nothing but the knowing that you have to do it all again. Chris on the other hand, saw everything and is handling it very well, like war vet. He has only waken in the night with the shakes a few times, screaming “no more babies!” (wink, wink)
After I got the baby for a few minutes, I was definitely in shock. I looked over at Chris and we had our moment of relief together. Then they took the baby about 10 feet away from me to clean him up and do some tests, where he peed on anyone who dared come close. Chris was snapping 10-20 pics a minute, and I looking around, but remember it in flashes of images, rather than a complete memory. They gave me the baby back and the doctor sat between my legs in an umpire stance waiting for the 3rd stage of labor to commence (if you don’t know what the 3rd stage of labor is, DO NOT investigate). Once that was over, I began getting cleaned up and tried to gain my bearings….still waiting for those.
They took my baby to the nursery after almost 2 hours. My mom, mom in law, and aunt in law all came to see the baby in the delivery room while Chris went out to the waiting room to get his congratulatory pats on the back. After they took the baby, they brought another bed for me to transfer to, since my epidural hadn’t worn off yet. They rolled me to my room where I would stay from dinnertime on Wednesday to late Friday afternoon. We waited with some welcomed visitors for what seemed like forever until the baby was brought back to me. Then it was like the paparrazzi on the red carpet with about 10 cameras flashing in his face. He didn’t seem to mind…he was ready for his close up. Everyone who was there (Sonya, Frannie, Buffy & Craig, Hannah, mom, & dad) all got to hold him and coo at him. No one even said anything about his MASSIVE cone head. We look at those pictures now and it’s scary, he looks totally different with a normal looking baby head.
Alright, take a breather…that’s as bad as it gets until I start talking about how constipated I am…..
2 Comments to A Lesson in Female Anatomy…
If you think YOU are being descriptive, wait until you read my side of the story. Remember, my eyes were open and I had a front row seat.
Bring it……….
August 11, 2008